Metal Gear Plasma: Our version of Metal Gear Solid
by BlackBattousai
Summary: Our version of Metal Gear Solid 1! YAY! Snake faces off against Revolver...Porcupine?!
1. The Entry Docks and a Biplane?

METAL GEAR PLASMA

By RavenZERO and **Liquid Snake**

Yes, the crazy mofo's who brought you Snake's From Across America have returned to question (or destroy, either one works) the moral values of modern society.  And this time we're back with a vengeance (DUM DUM DUMMM!)

**Disclaimer: That's right!  Weeeeeee're back!  And as always, the rules are simple.  This is an R rated fic, in which no stone shall remain unturned, no man shall emerge unscathed, no mind shall finish reading completely sane, and no piece of machinery will be spared a savage beating!  Enter at your own risk.**

Also, we don't own Metal Gear Solid (though we should), so don't sue us!  All we have of value are our PS2's and, bass guitar (Shadow's), a copy of _High Fidelity  (also Shadow's) on DVD, and our copies of DOA2: Hardcore (You'll have to pry them from our cold, dead fingers!). Any jokes we steal or media we rip off, we didn't make.  The original designer gets full credit.  However, our original song lyrics are ours and ours alone!  Stay away!  Alright, now, on with the show!_

Location: Shadow Moses Island, Fox Islands Archipelago, Alaska… 

            In the cold waters of Shadow…or maybe it was Dark…no, Shadow Moses Island, a lone figure swam forward.  As he emerged from the water, the figure activated a headset he had brought with him.  

            "Colonel, we need to talk."  Solid Snake said in a gruff voice.

            "What about?"  Replied Colonel Roy Campbell (the man, not the soup.)

            "You shot me out of a torpedo tube.  I think I deserve an explanation you bastard!" 

            "Oh, yeah, about that…well, this is for the good of the country."

            "I'm retired."

            "Yeah, but this is America.  That doesn't really mean anything."

            "Alright, alright… so, what was it you wanted me to do?"

            "You know damn well what I…Snake, are you listening?"

            "Uh…yes…" Snake slipped the August issue of Playboy back into his pocket.

            "Oh, just get going."

            Snake signed off and began to move.  He crawled over to an elevator, and rode it up to the helipad.  There he heard voices.

            "Head into the light…."

            Sorry, wrong voices.

            "What is this?"

            "It's…a…biplane…sir."

            "A BIPLANE?!?!  I ask for a Hind-D and you give me a BIPLANE?!?!"

            "It was all they had…"

            "Don't give me that, you dickhead!"

            Snake peeked around a corner, and saw Liquid Snake, terrorist mastermind, chewing out a young guard.  Next to them was a bright red biplane with "Property of Baron von Manstein" written on it.  Eventually, Liquid just shot the soldier.

            Snake would have watched longer, but a call from the Colonel stopped him.

            "Snake, here is someone you ought to meet.  Say hello to the mission Doctor, Naomi."

            "Hello, Snake," The British-sounding woman said.

            "Oh, the spy-bitch."

            "Whaaaa?! You're not supposed to know that yet!" Naomi exclaimed in surprise.

            "I read ahead in the script.  By the way, what's up with that dorky British accent?"

            "Uh…I'm going to put you through to our analyst, Mei Ling."

            Snake saw an image of a young Chinese woman appear. 

            "Umm…hello, I'm, Mei Ling.  I'll be your technology analyst…" She said nervously.

            "Ooh, you fine…er, I wanna screw you…er, I mean, I wanna feel you up…"

            "I can't believe the famous Solid Snake is hitting on me!  Your technique is so eloquent."

            "Sure is, bitch!  Er, thank you.  By the way, what's up with your lisp?"

            "Hwhat Lishp?  I dn't havve a Lishp."

            "Yes you do!" Snake said angrily.

            "No I don't!"

            "Okay, okay, so we've got a brit, and a chinese girl, what next?" He grunted.

            "Oh, I forgot to introduce you to our weapon analist, uh, I mean analyst, Nastasha Romanenko…" The Colonel interrupted.

            "Hello…" Said a Russian voice. "My name iz Nastasha Romanenko, and I vill be your weaponz analyst…" She said.

            "Oh great!  Okay, we've got a british spy-bitch, a chinese girl who just got out of puberty and has a lisp, and a russian chain-smoker 'who talkz like thiz!'" Snake whined, mimicking Nastasha's accent.

            "Well, Snake, that was sure uncalled for…" Naomi said.

            "Uncalled for, but necessary…" He said, smiling like a total jackass.

            "Doesn't 'uncalled for' mean it's not necessary?" Mei Ling asked, raising an eyebrow.

            "Hey, shut up over there!  Colonel, I vote no more comments from the peanut gallery, got it?"

            "Snake, they're your support staff, not the peanut gallery!  That's YOUR job!"

            "But, I like peanuts Colonel…" Snake whined.

            "Okay, Snake, I'll make a deal with you.  You stop these evil sons of bitches, and I'll buy you a deluxe bag of peanuts."

            "You promise?" Snake asked happily, sounding like a little kid.

            "Okay, get on with the mission…"

            And so, Snake went on with his mission, and finally found his way into the tank hanger, after finding a SOCOM pistol lying around (with ammo, miraculously), and shooting a few random guards.  Once inside, he got a Codec call from someone on his radio.

            "Snake, this is Master Miller…" The voice said.

            "Hey Liquid!  Wazzzzzzzupp?!!!!!"

            "I'm not Liquid, I'm Master Miller."

            "I read through the script already, you're Liquid Snake, my genetic brother, right?"

            "Well, um…yes, I am." He said uneasily.

            Awkward silence.

            "Well, seeya around bro." Snake said, signing off.  He ran through the tank hanger, snapping necks everywhere he went, until he proceeded down to the first floor basement.  He finally made it to the DARPA chief's cell.

            "You seem like a very violent person…" The DARPA chief said.

            "Why do you say that?" Snake asked.

            "Well, all I could hear outside my cell was this weird snapping sound…"

            "Oh…that…well, ya get used to it after awhile…"

            Outside the cell, they heard the familiar snapping sound.

            "That was it!" The chief said.  All of the sudden, the chief started having a heart attack, and died.

            "Hm…must be some secret government secret or something…" Then Snake saw something in the chief's pocket. "Oh, my mistake, it must've been these pork rinds…"

            After eating all the pork rinds, Snake exited the cell, only to find a naked guard, dead, ass up, and a FAMAS rifle pointed at his head.

            "Don't move!" A female voice said.

            "Theoretically, it is impossible not to move, since I have to breath, and answer your question…" Snake said smugly.

            "Ahh!  Too much thinking!  You're making my head hurt!" The woman in the soldier's uniform said, gripping her head with her free hand.  Snake took this ample opportunity to draw his SOCOM pistol, and point it in her face.

            "Umm…" The woman said, her eyes widening. "Hey look!  Porno!" She said, pointing over in a random direction.

            "Where?!" Snake said, looking all around for the non-existent pornography.  The woman turned around, and ran in the opposite direction, but not before Snake could get an eyeful of her butt.

            "Whoa…sweet…" He said in awe.

Well, that's all for now!  More from the wolfman and the cat dude, thing, after these messages…

**Liquid Snake:** Ah, shut it Raven!

**RavenZERO:** No, you shut up! [Takes out an AK-47 and jumps into his Blade Liger]

**Liquid Snake:** No, YOU SHUT UP! [Grabs a shotgun and jumps into Metal Gear Rex]

**BOTH:** DIE!!!!!


	2. Booming Boxes and LOOONG ass explosions

Alright, back by popular demand…is METAL GEAR PLASMA!!!!!!!!!

Chapter 2-Booming Boxes and LOOOONG ass explosions!!

After staring into space for about ten minutes, still thinking about her butt, he decided to get back to the mission, and went to the second floor basement.  After procuring lots of weapons of mass destruction, and killing a few dozen guards, and blowing up a few walls, he found the Armstech President, Kenneth Baker.

            "Hey, why are you tied to a post with lots of little brown cubes?" He asked curiously.

            "Those 'little brown cubes' are highly powerful explosives!"

            "Explo-wha?" Snake asked in confusion.

            "Little things that go BOOM!  Lots of fire!"

            "Oh, you mean 'Booming Boxes!'" Snake said in realization. "I made a couple guards fly with those…"

            All of the sudden, a gunshot rang out, causing Snake to jump backwards in instinct.

            "That's as far you go…Snake…" A voice said.

            "Hey, is that Revolver Porcupine?"

            "It's Ocelot!  My name is Revolver OCELOT!" Ocelot bellowed.

            "Ha!  You're name's Ocelot!  That's a funny name!!" Snake laughed.

            "Shut up!" Ocelot bellowed.

            "So, why are you here, anyway?" Snake asked.

            "Because, I'm a…"

(The following musical number is sung to the tune of "Tragedy tomorrow, Comedy tonight!")

Communist tomorrow, Terrorist tonight!

Nothing for nukes!

Nothing for spies!

Bring on the AK's, hostages and knives!

Something that's bloody,

Someone that's ugly!

Something for everyone,

A terrorist tonight!

Ocelot continued to sing for about three more minutes before stopping.  When he finished, he looked up.  Snake, Baker, and his hand were missing.  And a freak ninja was standing next to him.  Wait a second!  HIS HAND WAS MISSING AND A FREAK NINJA WAS RIGHT NEXT TO HIM?!!!!!!!!! OH SHIT!!! 

After getting all the information he needed from Baker and "accidentally" shooting him, Snake began to move to the field separating the nuclear storage facility from the hangar.  As he walked across the field, he got a call.

            "Be careful!  There are Claymore mines around there."

            "Oh yeah?  I don't believe you."

            Snake through a stone into the field.

BBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

            After the dust settled, Snake walked across the field.

BBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

            After flying backwards 300 feet, Snake got up and walked across again.

BBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After flying 600 feet, Snake got up and-.

BBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After flying 900 feet-.

BBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After flying-.

BBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After-.

BBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Finally, Snake just took the back route.  Eventually, he made it to the other side, and saw a huge tank waiting for him.  Vulcan Raven got out and said; "Now you will die Snake!"  He began to drive forward.

            **BBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**            The tank burst into flames, and as one of the treads flew by, Snake could make out "Firestone" on the tread.  Snake snuck into the nuclear deconstruction area.  **

            Snake snuck into the nuclear area, and got a call from Nastasha.

            "Wassup, you freakin' Ruskie?"

            "Don't call me zat.  I varn you, do not vire your gun in here, or the nukes vill detonate."

            "Why should I listen to you?"

            Snake fired his SOCOM.

            **BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!BOOOOM!!!!**

            "Oh, that's why."

            Snake ran ahead to the ground floor, and took the elevator down to the second floor basement.


	3. Fried spy, anyone?

HAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!!! We're back again!!  To wreak more havoc on all of you poor, innocent readers of fanfiction.net!!

**RavenZERO:** Please review!  We're not running a charity case here!! WE WANT REVIEWS! WE WANT REVIEWS!

(Liquid Snake smacks him on the head)

**RavenZERO:** OWWWWWWWWW!!! #@$#%!@!$@$%@…

Chapter 3- Fried Spy, anyone?

As Snake went on into the nuclear storage building, he received a call from the Colonel.

            "Snake, I need you to find-."

            "Have you ever noticed that you're only a Colonel?  I mean, for the amount of time you've been working, you should at least a Major, or something."

            "Snake, don't remind me.  And now, I need you to find the Metal Gear scientist, Hal Emmerich.  We believe he is surrounded by toxic gas and electric floors."

            "Oh, really, you sure about that?" Snake asked smugly.

            Snake walked into the corridor to Emmerich's room.

            HSSSSSS!

            BZAAAP!

            The smell of fried spy began to drift through the complex.

            "OUUUCH!  What's up with that?!"

            "Apparently he's asocial."

            Snake carefully made his way into the corridor.  As he reached the corridor leading directly into the lab, he saw a hallway full of dead guards.  One of them was collapsing, with a huge splinter in his back.  Snake moved on, and saw a dead guard hovering on top of…

            "Holy Shit!  A green ninja!"

            The ninja solidified and turned gray.

            "How did you see me?"

            "You're green."

            "But…damn, the cloak is broken again.  But then how did the guards miss me?"

            The dead guard mumbled softly, "We're…..col….or…..bli…nd……….", before he collapsed, dead.

            "Ohhhh…"

            The ninja ran off into the next room.

            When Snake went into the next room, he saw the ninja standing over a cowering, little man.

            "Hey, don't mess with the nerd.  I need him alive."

            "You do….well, in that case, I propose a contest of skills….."

            "Blackjack!"

            After taking the ninja's life savings, he went to take the nerd with him.

            "Not so fast!   Now we must duel!"

            "Really?  Oh, fine…"

            Snake pulled out a FAMAS and began to shoot at the ninja.  But the ninja blocked every shot with…

            "Did you just block all my fire with a piece of wood?"

            "Wood?  But this is my sword…"

            The ninja turned to look at the stick he had just used to deflect the bullets, and watched as it disintegrated.

            "Well, shit."

            He turned and sped off.

            "Okay then…" Snake said as he shook his head in disbelief.

            "Hey, thanks man…" The nerd said, getting up off the ground with some difficulty.

            "What the hell happened to you?" Snake asked, noticing the man's difficulty.

            "Oh, I sprained my ankle trying to do that 'yoga' stuff…" He said.

            "Oookkaaaayyy…"

            "I'm Hal Emmerich, head scientist for the development of Metal Gear REX."

            "So, you can tell me, what exactly is Metal Gear's main function?"

            "It's a mobile TMD, used for shooting down nuclear weapons, of course."

            Snake thinks for a minute, then takes out a thick stack of papers with the words "Metal Gear Solid Screenplay by Hideo Kojima" written on it.

            "Hmm…wait a second!  You're lying!"

            "What?!"

            "It says here that I have to say: 'I already know that Metal Gear is a walking death-mobile!'  Which means, that it IS a nuclear weapon!"

            "What the hell is that?!"

            "It's the script for 'Metal Gear Solid!'  What else would it be?!"

            Hideo Kojima walks in five seconds later, and gasps in surprise.

            "Dave, you found my script you lucky son of a bitch!"

            "Not your script, my script!" Snake yelled, clutching the script in his arms protectively. "You'll have to pry it from my cold, dead, kung fu grip!"

            "Gimme that script!" Kojima shouted, wrestling the script for his grip.

            "Sheese, fine…" Snake relented.

            "Thanks!" ^_^

            Kojima smiled happily, hugged the script, and ran off.

            _Back to the story, now…_

"Snake, I'm worried about Meryl."

            "Yeah, if that precious piece of ass gets harmed-."

            "AHEM!" _

            "Right, yeah.  I'm on it."

            Snake moved into the weapons locker, where Meryl was supposed to be, and found three guards, one of which he knew was Meryl.  He went up to the first, and pointed a gun the guard's head.

            "Who are you?"

            "I….I….I'M SORRY!   I'LL NEVER BORROW $3000 DOLLARS FROM THE CASINO EVER AGAIN!!  JUST DON'T KILL ME!"

            The guard ran off, never to return.

            "Okaaaaay then…" 0_0

            The next guard was obviously not Meryl.  He looked like he weighed three hundred pounds.  Snake pulled out a gun, and pointed it at that guard's head.  The second the guard felt the barrel touch his head, and collapsed from a heart attack.

            Snake went to the last guard and grabbed her in a chokehold.  The guard cried out, "Snake, its me!"

            "How can I be sure?"

            His hand slipped onto her chest.

            "Oh.  Ohhhhh." ^_^

            They moved on.


	4. Chalkzone destroyed, Mantis and Showtoon...

Haha! Weeeeee're BAAAAAAAAAAACK! And finally, for your much anticipated enjoyment…Chapter whatever this is!

Chapter 4- Chalkzone destroyed, Mantis and Showtoons, and Sniper Wolf's rifle…

The duo moved on into the catacombs of the base.  When they got into the Commander's office, they encountered a man in a trench coat and gas mask.  Meryl tried to talk to him.

            "Who are you?  And what's with the mask?"

            "I am Psycho Mantis.  As for the mask, you try working with Vulcan Raven after he farts.  The smell is proportionate to his size."

            Snake sighed.

            "You people just won't stay out of my way, will you?  I want those peanuts!"

            With that he began to shoot at Mantis.  All the bullets quickly swerved out of the way, turned around in midair, and shot themselves at Snake's feet, causing Snake to dance around like an idiot trying to avoid them.

            "Huh?!  How the hell'd you do that?!"

            "I am Psycho Mantis!  The most powerful practitioner of telekinesis and psycho kinesis in the world!!" He bellowed. "You want proof?  I give you proof!!"

            Mantis grabbed his head, and his hands shook violently. "Hmm…Snake, I know about your secret…"

            "How'd you know about that?!  Only the Colonel knows about that!"

            "What are you talking about?" Meryl whispered to him.

            "Well…I wet the bed until I was 16…" He admitted sadly, hanging his head in sadness.

            "0_0" was Meryl's only reaction.

            "Actually, I was referring to the fact that you wanted to jump Meryl's bones later…quiet, quiet disturbing." Mantis finished.

            "Oh, okay then…" Snake said happily. "That's not even a secret!"

            "^_______________________^" Was Meryl's new reaction to the "secret."

            "Later…at your house…" She whispered.

            "Now you shall die!" Mantis screamed, lifting them both into the air, and smacking them into each other like rag dolls.

            "Ouch!  Stop…doing…that!  It…ouch!…really…ow!…hurts!" Meryl screeched loudly.

            "Actually…I…kinda…like…it!" Snake said happily.

            "Enough of this!" Mantis shouted.  He stopped slamming them into each other, and began making them dance like puppets.

            "Mr. Mantis sir…" Meryl asked curiously. "Is suppose to hurt us in any way?"

            "Of course not!  I just like showtoons so much that I wanted you to dance like them!"

            "Ooooookaaaaayyyyy…" Snake said in a very disturbed tone.

            Snake then miraculously grabbed a candelabra and threw at Mantis, lighting him on fire.

            "Hah!  Let's see if you're PYROkenitic!" Meryl said evilly.

Elsewhere…at a home in some random part of the country, in front of a computer screen… 

**Liquid Snake: Hey Raven, how come Meryl actually said something SMART?**

**RavenZERO: Ya know, I'd like to tell, but I actually don't know…**

**Liquid Snake: Maybe you should do something about that…**

**RavenZERO: I've got it!  Lemme get my magic sketchpad! ^_^**

**Liquid Snake: Dude, you don't have a magic sketchpad! -_-;**

**RavenZERO: I don't?! Oh well!  I'll just go into Chalkzone and kill some people and steal some magic chalk! ^_________^**

(Raven runs off toward Chalkzone.)

**Liquid Snake: Oookaaaaay…0_0**

In Chalkzone… 

(It's a normal day in Chalkzone for Rudy Tabooty)

**Rudy: What a sunny day! La-la la lalalalalalalalala ^_^**

 (RavenZERO appears holding a Stinger Missile Launcher)

**RavenZERO: Now I shall kill you, and your little chalk dog too!! (Ala Invader Zim) ****MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!**

(He fires at least twenty missiles in every direction, and blows everything up in sight.)

**RavenZERO: Hm…looks like there's no more chalk in sight…but there are still people!**

Two hours later… 

**Liquid Snake: Where the hell is he?! He's supposed to be getting some magic chalk to kill Meryl with! (Notices that everything in Chalkzone has been completely destroyed, and that people are dying in flames) ****RAVEN!!  GET OUT HERE NOW!!**

**RavenZERO: Hiya!  What's up! ^_^**

**Liquid Snake: Dude, you forgot to get some magic chalk! -_-;;  
****RavenZERO: Hmm…I knew I forgot something…(looks around and notices that there are no more people left) OH NO!! What have I done?!  I've killed all the people in Chalkzone! 0_0**

**Liquid Snake: (pointing toward a hill in the distance) Actually, there are still two more people over there…**

**RavenZERO: Hang on a sec… (Holds up the Stinger, waits for a lock on, and fires twice at them, blowing them all to hell.) ****WHAT HAVE I DONE?! 0_0**

**Liquid Snake: It's okay, Raven, no one watches this show anyway…^_^;**

**RavenZERO: (Sadly) Really? ;_;**

**Liquid Snake: Yeah I'm positive.  Now lets got find some magic chalk to kill Meryl with…**

One hour later… 

**Liquid Snake: Well, now that we actually HAVE the magic chalk, what should we do with it?**

**RavenZERO: (dumbly) I dunno.  I forgot we were supposed to do with it…0_0**

**Liquid Snake: Okay, then lets just save it for later…**

Back at Shadow Moses…FINALLY… 

            "Snake, are you sure this leads to Metal Gear?" Meryl whined loudly.

            "Positive.  Now shut up or I'll sell you as a prostitute on the Chinese black market!"

            "Okay, okay…sheese…" She said, looking flustered. _

            Ten minutes later, they found the Communications Tower.

            "Okay, let me consult the script…" Snake said, taking out his other copy of the "Metal Gear Solid Screenplay by Hideo Kojima." "Hm…it says that you're supposed to be shot a few times by somebody named Sniper Wolf…"

            "Sniper Wolf?" Meryl repeated curiously.

            "Yeah, I assume she snipes in some way with some sort of……. 'Sniper rifle'…"

            "Wow…" 0_0;

            Meanwhile, while our intrepid heroes *cough* morons *cough* were talking, unbeknownst to them, a figure lurked in the dark shadow's of the Communication Tower's walkway. 

            "Hm…okay, where's my PSG-1?" Sniper Wolf asked, looking around.

            She spotted her rifle lying on the ground. "Ah, there it is!"

            She picked it up, and aimed at Meryl's chest in the crosshairs. "Die!" She pulled the trigger.

            To her total dismay, there were no bullets; it was actually a water gun.

            _Back with our dumbasses, uh, I mean heroes…_

            Meryl failed to notice that she was being sprayed by a water gun, but Snake sure did…^_^;

            "Whoa…wet T-shirt party…" Snake said, drooling.

            "Huh?  What are you blabbing about, Snake?" She asked, twirling her hair on one finger, making her look only more irresistible to Snake (imagine a porno flick, one involving wet T-shirts…).

            "Whoa…" Snake said, drooling even more than before. 0_0

            "Snake, what is it?!" She exclaimed loudly.

            Snake stared off dumbly into space, imagining the fun he wants to have with Meryl after the mission in his little igloo of doom… (What a perv, right? ^_^;;)

            _Back with Sniper Wolf…_

            "What the fuck?!" Wolf exclaimed. "Where he hell is my gun?! JOHNNY!!!!" She bellowed.

            Johnny Sasaki ran into the room, holding a PSG-1 rifle, covered with a brown substance. "You called, ma'am?"

            "Yes! What the hell have you done with my gun?!" She bellowed, looking at the brown substance on the barrel of the PSG-1 in disgust. She suddenly clamps her hand over her nose. "And what the fuck is that smell?!" 0_0

            "Oh, that…" Johnny said, looking at the rifle guiltily. "I kinda used your gun as a unclogger for my ass…"

            "You WHAT?!!!!!" She shouted, jumping backward in disgust.

            "I used your rifle to solve my bowel issues…" Johnny said happily. "Now I feel much better!" ^_^

            "You…bastard!" She bellowed, grabbing some grenades from Jumpsuit Space (That is what she's wearing!) and stuffing them down his pants. "UNCLOG YOURSELF WITH THESE, BITCH!!!" She bellowed as she ran off, and plugged her ears.

            Johnny Sasaki died in a giant burning…glowing…brown ball of fire…thing.

            She stood out of cover, donned an NBC suit (one of those anti-chemical things), and lit her rifle on fire.  Then she lit the suit on fire.  Then she lit her jumpsuit on fire, and retrieved another one from cold storage…and there was much rejoicing…

**All characters and both authors: Yay!**


	5. Torture and a psychocotic authorkiller t...

Back to the current story, now that Snake was _finally done ogling Meryl's chest, they both decided to proceed, and were both promptly captured by some secret crack team…thing._

            Then a mysterious voice sounded in Snake's ears, since he was blacked out.

            "Don't kill him yet…I want him alive."

            "Yes…" A woman's voice purred softly. "He's my target, mine alone…SO KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF HIM BITCH!"

            "Oh, quiet Wolf!" Ocelot's voice shouted. "It's not like I'm gonna kill him or anything…"

            "Yeah just like how you 'accidentally' killed the DARPA Chief, right?!!" Wolf yelled loudly.

            "Well at least I don't have the guards using my weapons as plungers for their asses!!"

            "Yeah, well at least I have _two hands!!!!"_

            "Skank!"

            "Cock sucker!"

            "Whore!!"

            "Bastard!!"

            "SLUT!!!!!"

            "MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!"

            "SHUT THE HELL UP YOU IDIOTS!!!!" Liquid's voice shouted. "HERE'S HOW WE'RE GONNA SETTLE THIS: OCELOT: YOU'RE A WHORE, AND WOLF: YOU'RE A SLUT, SO THERE!!"

            "PISS OFF, LIQUID!!" Wolf shouted.

            "YEAH, QUITE DOWN, BITCH!! THIS IS A FIGHT BETWEEN THE STUPID WHORE, AND ME SO FUCK OFF AND GO PLAY WITH DOLLIES OR SOMETHING'!" Ocelot yelled.

            Snake could hear Liquid sobbing.

            "Just shut up!!" He sobbed as he ran out of the room.

            Snake moved his head around, and his eyelids snapped open.

            "Ahh…so Snake finally wakes up…" Ocelot said sadistically.

            "You're gonna torture me now, right?" Snake asked, noticing that Wolf was sulking in the corner, glaring daggers at Ocelot.

            "No, me and you and Wolf are gonna have a tea party!"

            "Really?!"

            Ocelot slapped Snake in the face. "Of course we're gonna torture you, you moron!"

            "Hey, you're Revolver Ocelot, right?" Snake asked, vaguely remembering who Ocelot was.

            "Yes, I am." Ocelot said smugly.

            "One question: Isn't 'Ocelot' kind of a stupid code name? I mean, isn't it like a beaver or something?"

            "Uh…" Ocelot thought for a minute. "Shut up, prisoner!"

            "What have you done with Meryl?!" Snake shouted, jumping up against the restraints keeping him tethered to the torture thingy.

            "Oh, the girl…" Ocelot chuckled softly. "She's safe, don't you worry…as a matter of fact, she's recording a video tape just for you…"

            Snake's eyes perked up. "Really?!"

            "Yes, but we won't let you watch it until you answer me these questions three!" Ocelot said. "Number One: What is your name?"

            "Jimbo Jones." Snake joked smugly.

            He was shocked from electricity shooting through the thingy.

            "What the hell was that for?!!" Snake barked angrily.

            "You said 'Jimbo Jones', when the correct answer was either 'Solid Snake' or 'David-'"

            "Shut up!!" Snake hissed.

            "Well, that's how it works. You say wrong answer, you get shocked. Question Two: What is you quest?"

            "I seek to kick you're ass!"

            "Hmph, valid. Valid answer. Question Three: What is the square root of infinity?"

            "That's impossib-" Another shock. "AAAHHHHHH!!! WHAT THE FUCK?!!!"

            "Okay, Question Four: What is the airspeed velocity of a swallow carrying a coconut over the ocean?"

            "African or European?"

            "Pfft, I dunno…"

            Ocelot gets shocked, and Wolf starts laughing so hard, she dies.

            Suddenly, the shackles break, and Snake gets all of his equipment back.

            "Yay!" He exclaimed, jumping into the air.

            He proceeded to the Communications Tower, after by some curious mischance, finding a REAL and COMPLETELY CLEAN PSG-1 sniper rifle…and there was much rejoicing…

            **Snake: Yay!**

            **Liquid and all of the other terrorists: BOO!!**

            **RavenZERO and Liquid Snake (the author): Silence!!**

            After getting to the Communications Tower, he was then spotted by a camera. This is somewhat how it went:

**            Genome #1: "Hey, dude, this is boring. Want some pizza?"**

            **Genome #2: "Yeah, sure.  No anchovies, please."**

            (Genome #3 suddenly jumps up flailing his arms wildly to get their attention.

            **Genome #2: "What the hell's the matter with you, Karl?  You got bowel issues from Johnny?"**

            **Genome #3: _ "Ewwwww!!! No way!"**

            **Genome #1: "Then what the hell's the matter?"**

            **Genome #3: "Come take a look at this screen!"**

            (Both Genomes #1 and #2 walk over to #3's workstation. On the screen is Solid Snake, mooning the camera, and then spray painting "Liquid Snake blows monkeys" in red on the wall.)

            **Genome #1: 0_0; "Wow, whoever that guy is, he must really hate Liquid Snake…"**

            **Genome #2: "But everyone hates Liquid! Why's this so damn important?"**

            **Genome #3: "This was your Christmas present from me!  We were gonna prank Liquid all day!"**

            (The other two grab their guns, and hand #3 his.)

            **Genome #2: "Then what are we waitin' for, guys?! This guy has gotta be stopped, so he doesn't get any credit for those!!"**

            **All Genomes: "Yeah!"**

            That's something like how it went…oh never mind.

            Anyway, Snake soon found himself running for his life from a very angry crowd of guards hell-bent on killing him so they could get all of the pranking glory…riiiiiight…

            Snake ran as fast as he could up the winding stairs of Tower A, chucking grenades down the stairs behind him.

            One of the Genomes stopped, and picked it up, not knowing what it was.

            "Duh…what's this thing?" He asked stupidly.

            It exploded, killing Genomes #1-#26 in one fell swoop.

            "Ha!  I rule!" Snake exclaimed, before running farther up the stairs.

            _In front of a computer screen, in some random part of suburbia…_

**Liquid Snake: Hey, Raven, let's take a break…**

**RavenZERO: But I wanna kill something!**

**Liquid Snake: But I'm tired…**

**RavenZERO: I don't care! I need to destroy something!!**

**Liquid Snake: Fine, then go help Snake kill those stupid Genomes…**

**RavenZERO: (After grabbing a P-90 ((also known as the RCP-90 in Goldeneye…)) Assault Rifle and a Stinger Missile Launcher off the wall of his room) Yay! Thanks, Liquid!! (He runs off toward Alaska)**

**Liquid Snake: (Shaking his head in exasperation) Oi vey, what have I done?**

            Back in Alaska now… 

            Snake was now busy trying to fight off the remaining 3,000+ guards with his SOCOM pistol as he continuously ran up the stairs.

**Snake: "Dammit! Why the fuck won't you idiots die?!!!"**

**Genome #27:"Haven't you heard?! There's no end to us!"**

Suddenly, one of the walls on their floor explodes, and we see a man about 14 years old, armed with a Stinger Missile Launcher and a P-90, wearing jeans and a T-shirt that says "Bow before the King of France".

**RavenZERO: (haphazardly firing his P-90 at the Genomes)"HAHAHA! Now I'll show you why they call me ****TRIGGER HAPPY!!!! ****DIE! DIE! DIE!"**

**Snake: "Who the hell are you?! Leave, I want to kill them!"**

**RavenZERO: (While blowing up Genomes #178-1888 with his Stinger) "Sorry! I'm not paying attention at the moment…please leave your name, number, and address so I can come bomb you at the beep. BEEP!"**

**Snake: (Now getting royally pissed off) "Hey man, you're one of those stupid authors, aren't you?! If you're Liquid Snake-"**

**RavenZERO: (Still not paying any attention) "A nuclear missile strike has been ordered on your home! Have a nice day! BEEP!"**

**Snake: "Fuck you, bitch!"**

**RavenZERO: "Hang on a sec…" (Blows away Genomes #3000-#+ with his Stinger) "Seeya!"**

(RavenZERO runs off)

            Snake shrugged his shoulders, and proceeded up the tower.

            _Back in suburbia…_

**RavenZERO: "Well, that was fun!"**

**Liquid Snake: (to himself) "How in the seven hells did I get paired with this idiot?"**

**RavenZERO: "Hey! I resent that!"**

Now, its over!  GO HOME AND REVIEW DAMMIT!


	6. Communications Tower B and Bit Cloud's o...

_Back to the story…I think…_

            Snake climbed the rest of the tower, only to find that Liquid Snake, terrorist mastermind, was there, waiting for him in a…

            "A biplane?" Snake asked quizzically.

            "Yes, I'm afraid it was all they had…" Liquid said dutifully.

            Snake, on the other hand, was laughing his head off.

            "What's so damn funny, brother?!" Liquid cackled as he opened fire with the machine guns.

            Snake dodged the machine gun fire, and jumped over the edge of the walkway, only to realize too late that he didn't have a rope…

            "Crapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrap!!" He shouted on his way down toward the walkway's lower walkway.

            He landed with a thud on a couple of patrolling guards, who were killed by his weight and force.

            "What the hell? There aren't supposed to be any guards here…"

            "You're…the main character…you can't die…" One of the guards coughed before dying.

            "Oh, sweet!"

            After testing that theory for about twenty minutes, he proceeded to Tower B, and found…

            "SWEET! A Stinger Missile Launcher!"

            He walked out onto the roof, and saw Liquid's biplane waiting for him.

            "Haha! Now you shall die, Snake!"

            All of the sudden, his plane was shot down by unknown circumstances.

            "Craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap!" Liquid screamed as his plane went down.

            Five minutes later, another biplane appeared, with Liquid at the controls.

            "Now you die!" he screamed again.

            This plane was shot down as well…

            "**CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"**

            This time, Liquid reappeared piloting a brand spankin' new Hind D.

            "What the hell keeps shooting my planes down?!" He bellowed, looking around for the culprit.

            Some random french pilot flew by in a blue biplane, laughing at Liquid.

            "Oh, that does it! **DIE!"**

            He fired two missiles at the french pilot.

            "Sacre blu…" he muttered as his plane exploded.

            "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

            "What the fuck was that about?" Snake asked quizzically. "Ah, forget it…I don't even wanna know…"

            "**HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Liquid laughed evilly.**

            "Man, Liquid, do you ever shut up?" Snake said smugly.

            "That's it! **DIE!!!!!!!!" He bellowed, firing his entire payload of missiles at Snake.**

            "Oh…crap…" Snake muttered as he dove out of the way of the incoming missiles.

            All hit home around him, making him get tossed around the roof like a salad.

            He fired a Stinger at it, but it did almost no damage to the Hind D.

            "Man, fuck this!" Snake said, activating his Codec.

            He typed in the frequency 140.69, and heard it ring a few times.

            "…Ouch! Stop that!"

            "I told you I'd kill you, Relena…"

            The sounds of a few things getting knocked over played over the airwaves, then the person realized his Codec was ringing.

            "Dammit! Hold on a sec, okay Relena?"

            "Okay…"

            The image of Heero Yuy appeared on the screen.

            "Heero Yuy speaking…what is my mission?"  A gruff, emotionless voice said.

            "Heero, its Solid Snake. I need some help with a Hind D that's trying to kill me…"

            "Why the hell do you need my help? I thought Kojima said you could take care of it yourself…"

            "Yeah, well, my brother nearly blew up half the complex with that one barrage, and he's got more where that came from!"

            "Sorry…not my problem…" Heero said gruffly. "I have a little saying for missions like this: Let Domon Kasshu to handle it…"

            "Aww, c'mon Yuy!" Snake begged. "I promise I won't ever ask you for a favor again!"

            "Uh-uh! I'm not fallin' for that one again! The last time you said that was when you wanted me kill that 'Gray Fox' guy for you in that stupid minefield…go ask Domon!"

            "Two things: One: Gray Fox is still alive you idiot! And Two: I don't wanna!" Snake whined. "I don't wanna, I don't wanna, I DON'T WANNA!"

            "OKAY, OKAY FINE! I'LL DO IT! I'LL DO IT!! JUST SHUT UP!!" Heero bellowed, covering his ears with his hands.

            "Thanks Heero, I knew I could count on you…" Snake said smugly.

            "Yeah, whatever…"

            Heero disconnected the line.

            "BWHAHAHAHAHAHA! So brother, ready to die?!" Liquid cackled, lining up Snake in his sights.

            "Oh…crap…" He groaned.

            Just then, something stopped behind Liquid, and starts hovering.

            "Yay! Heero's here!" Snake exclaimed.

            "Okay, so where's this 'Hind D' that you speak of?" Heero's voice said over the intercom.

            "Its that helicopter thing that's right in front of you!" Snake shouted, pointing at Liquid's Hind D mischievously.

            Wing Zero looked at the Hind D, then back at Snake in disbelief. "What the fuck?! Just this little piece of shit?! Man, Snake, you suck!"

            "Oh just shut up and destroy the thing!"

            Wing Zero picked up its rifle, and aimed it at the Hind D, and fired on it, blowing it up, and making Liquid fall out of the cockpit to his doom.

            "**SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKE!!" He screamed.**

            "Hey! I killed you, you stupid fuck!" Heero bellowed angrily.

            "Oh, soooooooorrry!" He said. "**HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"**

            "Much better…" Heero said smugly.

            "Phew. Thanks, Heero…"

            "Oh yeah! Who's the greatest?!" Heero exclaimed happily.

            Wing Zero started doing a very stupid dance routine, and Heero started wrestling with the controls to get it to stop.

            Finally, it stopped.

            "Whoa. What the fuck was that all about?" Heero asked himself.

            "Man, that was just about the gayest dance I've ever seen in my life!" Snake said, laughing hysterically. "Why'd you stupid gundam do that?"

            Heero's mind suddenly came up with the answer.

            _Bit Cloud's stupid, gay-ass organoid…I knew I should've stolen it!_

            "That stupid piece of shit! It's just so gay! WHY THE FUCK IS THIS STUPID ORGANOID SO DAMN GAY?!!!"

            "Maybe it's reflecting the personality of the owner…" Snake said under his breath.

Somewhere, on the distant planet Zi… 

(A/N: Just to say, I don't hate Bit at all! I'm just poking fun at him!)

            "Hey, I resent that!" Bit Cloud said loudly.

            "Bit, what the hell are you resenting exactly?" Brad asked curiously.

            "Umm…" Bit thought for a minute. "I…don't know!"

            "Man, Bit, you've been acting all strange ever since your stupid organoid got stolen…" Leena said, looking at the blonde-haired pilot quizzically. "Why?"

            "I dunno…" Bit said dumbly.

            "Team! I have an announcement to make!" Doc said loudly.

            "Really?! Are you increasing my pay?!" Brad exclaimed hopefully.

            "No, Brad." Doc said plainly.

            Brad's head fell in disappointment.

            "Okay, here it is: Bit, you're off the team."

            "WHAAAAAAAT?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Bit exclaimed loudly. "Why?!"

            "Well, ever since the organoid for your Liger Zero got stolen, you've been acting all mental, so we committed you to a mental hospital!"

            "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" Bit screamed.

            "Is that the only reason, dad?" Leena asked.

            "No, it's also because ever since the organoid for the Liger got stolen, it pretty much sucks ass…"

            "Ohh…okay!" Jamie said, nodding his head.

            "Also, Brad, Naomi is joining our team, and I'm making you the leader!"

            "YEEESSSSSS!!!" Brad exclaimed, jumping into the air happily.

            "What about me, dad?" Leena asked impatiently.

            "Oh, and I'm letting you use the Liger Zero for target practice!!"

            "YAAAAY!!!" ^_^

            All of the sudden, Bit's ranting was cut off when he was hit on the head by a meteorite.

            "YAY!" Everyone shouted. "Bit's dead!"

            "Yeah, but what was that meteor?" Brad asked, picking up the object.

            It was indeed Bit's organoid, dead. Tied to its head was a note that said, 

            "Bit, your organoid is a useless waste of space. Go to hell and die. Love, Heero Yuy, your friendly neighborhood assassin."

            "Wow, whoever this 'Heero Yuy' guy is, he must be some type of sick demented bastard…" Leena said.

            "Yeah, well the good think is that Bit's dead an I get his spot!!" Brad said, hugging the dead hunk of metal.

            Suddenly, Naomi appeared, and started frenching him while he held the dead organoid in one free arm.

            Suddenly, it exploded, covering Brad and the rest of them with black soot.

            A stray piece of metal rolled by that said "Firestone" on it.

            "Man, whoever this author is, he must have something big against Firestone…"

That's all ya get! More from the demented mind of RavenZERO, after these messages…


End file.
